Gomer Dogs

If there's one absolute when it comes to white trash gomer idiots, it's that they always have a pit bull somewhere. Usually either tied to a pole or running free. Probably because they're ugly, savage dogs to complement their ugly, savage lives. If you live in Oklahoma and haven't had a beloved family pet killed or maimed by some gomer's loose pit bull, you haven't lived here long enough.

I had Fat Charlie out for his walk earlier and lo and behold, there I see a flipping pit bull trotting towards us down the street. I rushed him inside, and believe me, Charlie protested. There were leaves blowing, and Charlie loves to chase the leaves. I will not let him outside when there are those goddamned dogs out and about, though. I'm not saying that pit bulls are always bad dogs, but when there's a gomer involved, there's no other choice.

When I was about eight we had a border collie mix named Spunky that would dance with you. Our neighbors had a white pit bull that one day jumped the fence and while it didn't kill Spunky, we had to take him to get stitched up and he couldn't walk for a while. Later their dog died and they just left it bloating in the back yard. Charming folks.

I guess you could say I'm a little bit bitter.

Be excellent.

Jeremy.

So firstly everybody welcome Subliminal Karate's new contributor, Jeremy. He's my other hetero-lifemate. With all three of us there's a very good chance we'll be covering a lot of territory and points of view, and the blog will be all the better for it. 

You never know, one day we might get really popular and make enough money for an Illinois Senate seat. I mean, sure, it's an outside chance, but you never know.

Be excellent.

*I'm going to have to find a better picture of Jeremy. In the meantime, here's a gnarly cactus monster.

Movies, work and a dumb law

Well, tomorrow The Dark Knight comes out. I honestly can't wait. I'm gonna get it on Blu-Ray myself. It shall be grand.

I went to see Punisher: War Zone saturday and it was a masterpiece of violence and death. I was completely mesmerized. My girlfriend was just sittin there laughing at me. After almost a year she hasn't got used to me being a complete dork. I geek out at every comic book movie that comes out. I'm a nerd, what can i say.

I'm back to work after a week layoff and it still sucks. Just a week and a half left and I'll be laid off for another two weeks. Christmas will be interesting with me not working.

That's it for today.

BTW: In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. DEATH. That is the stupidest law that I think I've heard.

I'm out.

Even Bastards Get Lonely

So they always say that it's best to just be yourself. People will always like you better if you're an honest person. If you don't try to be someone you're not. So what if you're a irredeemable asshole? Should you just be yourself then, or in this case are you allowed a little leeway? I mean, if you're a piece of shit, then it's expected that you'll probably lie a bit. Probably even cheat and steal if the mood strikes. Nobody likes those people anyway, though. Even bastards get lonely sometimes. Shouldn't they be allowed a little bit of slack so they can find a friend? If you suck you won't have any friends, if you have friends maybe you'll not suck so much. So if you maybe lie about how much  you suck, you might make some friends, in which case you'll suck a little less. 

So if you're a total shitheel, but you would maybe like to be better, perhaps it's better to lie a little bit about yourself. Yanno, just so you can make a buddy or two. However this only works if you don't want to be a full time asshole. If you are gleeful about how shitty you are, you might as well be honest. 

Unless you're one of those people who confuse honesty with assholery. I don't think assholery is an actual word, at least it wasn't before I just used it. I like the way it sounds. It sounds literate, yet vulgar. Which is always awesome. Anyhow you know those people who always say they don't get along with people because folks can't take their "brutal honesty" or whatever they want to call it? Those people who just can't face the fact that they suck? "Brutal honesty" is asshole code for "tactless suckage." Decent people know that a little bit of discretion goes a long way. Not only might people take you seriously, they might actually think you've done them a favor. Unlike assholes, whom they'll just resent.

I'm not sure what brought that rant on but my Oklahoma Sooners are in the BCS title game and all is right with the world right now.

Be excellent.

A Grammar Tangent

So I had this really great blog all planned out. It was going to be epic. Massive. Shakespearean in its scope. Then I realized that I can't remember if you use an apostrophe when you use "it's" or if it depends on in what sense you use it. So while I had this conundrum I completely forgot my no doubt super eloquent and insightful rumination into whatever the fuck it was I was going to talk about.

How many years after graduation are you allowed to wear your letterman jacket before it just gets sad? I've seen some guys, and I gotta tell you, I think they're pushing it.

I can use the apostrophe there, because "they're" is a contraction of "they are." If I was referring to their coats, I would use "their," and that wouldn't make a lick of sense in the context of that sentence. However "e" is coming before "i" and there's no "c" anywhere in that word, so why the hell did they even bother with that rule? Or is that the exception? 

Then you have receive and reprieve and all those other words, it's like they only follow the "i" before "e" rule when they damn well feel like it. It just drives me mad I tell you. Mad!

Grammar. This wasn't the epic blog I had in mind. I just kind of went off on a tangent.

I lost my train of thought. Be excellent.

Just a little FYI

Scientists have determined that the average sexual encounter is 4 minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is 9, and since the average length of the penis is 6 inches, the average female received 216 inches or 18 feet per sexual encounter.

18 feet x 3 times a day = 54 feet x 52 weeks = 2802 feet in a single year or just over half a mile.

If you are not getting your half a mile, why not let me help out?

Life's Queries

Ok, so i was sitting here at home comtemplating masturbation (all while wearing my luchador mask and a tie) when i decided that i really need to cut back on the self exploration. I think i do it a bit much. I know, I know, there is no such thing as too much, but still...I'm starting to chafe. i really don't know if anyone else has this type of problem.

I'm sitting here staring at my Gigan action figure and thinking that i need to watch some more of my Godzilla movies. Mike just told me he's been off for the last 4 days. That douche. I've been off too. We could have done some major damage to my Godzilla collection.

Anywho, this was my first blog. Get ready for the future.

Buster.

So my hetero lifemate Buster is going to be posting on here, too. I don't know what he's going to be posting but rest assured it will contain the level of wrongness to which you've all become accustomed.

Be excellent.

Freshly Washed Sheets.

Don't plan on waking up early when you've put freshly washed sheets on your bed. I got up this morning long enough to feed the dogs. I figured I'd lay back down for an hour or so. I got up three hours later, mad at myself. You just can't get out of bed when it's all warm and womb-like in there.

I might eventually make it outside to work in the yard. I'm not setting odds on it, though.

Movie Trailers and Odd Things in the Sky

So, I've been watching the trailers for Watchmen and Star Trek and had myself a bit of a nerdgasm. I've never been a huge Star Trek fan but I dug it. I'll stop what I'm doing and catch a rerun of The Next Generation whenever I catch it on. I liked the original series but I only watched it in bits and pieces. I'd like to get caught up on it, though. From what I see in the trailer it looks like they took that and mixed in a little bit of Starship Troopers, which can't be a bad thing. At least not on paper.

Point is, while I like Star Trek, I'm not enough of a fan to go apeshit if the flick ends up being poorly executed. I'm not that fanatical about anything I didn't create myself, though. If you think you can do a better job by all means write a script and shop it around. See what happens.

Now Watchmen, that's different. Watchmen is the Great Gatsby of the comic geek world. One of the 100 greatest novels of the 20th Century. Absolutely brilliant work. One of the reasons I started writing in the first place. You don't fuck with that to make something acceptable to your focus group. That would be like turning Of Mice and Men into a musical. However, I get a boner just watching the trailer. Not to mention, coming on the heels of the Dark Knight, the bar for superhero movies has been raised like it's never been. Comic book movies have to actually be good now.

Man I've used a lot of italics in this post.

Earlier tonight I was looking up at the moon, Jupiter, and Venus making a triangle formation. Sort of like they were on a gigantic wizard hat. Anyhow a little above them I saw an airplane, and above that was what I thought at first was a satellite moving slowly North. Anyhow this little light that was very high up went behind a cloud and didn't come out again. I'm not sure if I just lost track or what but I couldn't find it. I'm not saying I saw a UFO or anything but it was pretty weird.

That's my blog for tonight, folks. Be excellent.